At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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