I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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