i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
