Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
