we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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