So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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