is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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