It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
