Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
