i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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