This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Randomize
