all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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