the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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