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Define "chronic" masturbator.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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