I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
