please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
