Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
