We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize