I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
