you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
that is very illegal...i love you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
