Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize