you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
