I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
