Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
