It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
