Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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