I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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