So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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