Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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