when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
