i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
