I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
