i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
