So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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