She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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