...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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