Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
