I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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