Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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