I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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