they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
