I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Holy sore nipples Batman
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
