Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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