i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
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