A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
