there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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