some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
