Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
