I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
