Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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