some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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