Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
