this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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