life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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