I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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