The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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