I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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