he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
