So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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