i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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