I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
